The way we were
by Kobie
Summary: Their relation had never been easy,from love on his side and resentment and distrust on hers it had grown into a wonderful friendship that came to an abrupt end when he realised friendship was not enough and she developed a strange obsession with him.JPLE
1. Prologue

It's not mine, I just borrowed it...

* * *

**Prologue**

There were only good days or bad days, something like normal or average simply did not exist.

On a good day they would get along, she would muster the courage to talk to him and control her temper and nerves enough to not snap at his every word. He would acknowledge her presence, respond to what she was saying and on rare treasured occasions would seek her out for conversation in the course of which he would sometimes even casually touch her, putting an arm around her, nudging her shoulder with his own or ruffling her hair.

They would laugh and joke, walk together in earnest contemplation of every aspect of live, discuss classes and lessons and she would float on air, a stupid lopsided grin firmly fixed to her face, dreaming about a future together.

On bad days they would pass each other in the hallways without a sign of recognition, avoiding eye contact or conversation like the plague. He would ignore her even if she was standing right next to him and she would pointedly talk to his friends, turning her back on him. If forced to work together at bad days, things would inevitably end in disaster. She would storm and rage at him and he would drop a few selected sentences, the sarcasm and malice of which would pierce her heart and reduce her to tears the moment she was alone.

On bad days she would swear to herself never to waste a thought about him, to finally give up on her useless romantic dreams and would try to convince herself that she was glad they were leaving school for good in July and then she would never ever have to see him again.

She would be sulking and brooding about boys in general and him in particular until the next good day and the whole cycle would start all over again.

Their relation had never been easy to start with. From love almost at first sight on his side and resentment and distrust on hers it had somehow grown into a wonderful yet fragile friendship that came to an abrupt halt when he realised friendship was not enough to fulfil his needs and she developed a curious and unnerving obsession with him.

She found herself wondering what was left of his former feelings of love and passion towards her and almost unbeknown to herself, the renewal of these feelings became the prime object of her wishes.  
When she was unable to deceive herself any longer, she had to admit that the proposals she tossed so carelessly aside not too long ago would now have been gladly accepted. She had started to love him, just when she could no longer convince herself of his love for her.


	2. A remarkable start of term

**A remarkable start of term  
**

The great hall was overflowing with laughter and talk and the sound of hundreds of pupils enjoying their feast. The youngest students were bouncing with excitement to be finally part of the student body at Hogwarts while the older ones tried to act calmer but could hardly conceal their own happiness to be back. Only the seventh years formed silent islands in the crowd, soaking in as much of their last welcome feast and already suffering from a feeling of deep loss at the thought of leaving their beloved school for good at the end of the year.

Lily sat at the very centre of the Gryffindor table. She was only half listening to her dorm mates catching up on each others holidays, apart from an occasional nod of her head or an encouraging sound she did not take part in the conversation.

Her eyes and mind were firmly fixed on her co head, who was sitting quit a bit down at the table; enjoying his feast in blissful silence.

Ah the mystery that was James Potter!

After years of bickering and fighting they had finally become friends during the last few month of the last term. When they were partnered for a potions project and were forced to spend a huge amount of time together; she found out really soon she couldn't have been more wrong about him. He was neither a cruel bully nor an arrogant git.

She rather enjoyed his little jokes and pranks once she stopped suspecting malice behind his every move. And she learned to overlook his differences with Snape, the only one who ever really suffered from his wand, but -mind you- it was rarely James who started the fighting.

And for his insufferable arrogance, she had been wrong about that too. He was certainly proud of but never boasting about his skills once he overcame the annoying habit of his to try to impress her with his newest achievements.

And there was so much more to him; he was devoted to his work, helpful and attentive, loyal to his friends, honest and kind and his quick wit could always make her laugh.

Once she had parted with her prejudices about him, their friendship blossomed quickly and after a few weeks she hardly knew how she ever dealt without him.

After a summer spent in sending owls to and fro on a daily basis, she had certainly expected to pick up the relationship exactly where they left it at the end of the term.

The more surprised she was when they met at the head compartment on the train. He _was_ glad to see her, no doubts about that, but after hugging her closely, he withdrew into a corner and questioned her about her family and friends in a way that was rather polite than friendly, hardly ever looking her in the eye at all. After the prefect meeting he literally vanished and had not spoken to her since.

So while she faked enough attention to her friends to not offend them and nibbled at her chicken leg, Lily was busily searching through her last letters to him and tried to remember every word she said on the train, trying to find out what she could have done wrong. She must have offended him in someway or other, there was no better explanation for his behaviour.

When Dumbledore sent them of to their dorms, she resolved in talking to him as soon as possible, preferably tonight, to make sure no minor misunderstanding would stain that precious friendship.

While James as head boy supervised the house elves disposing the luggage trunks, Lily stayed back in the great hall to take care of the last straggles and directed them kindly to their respective houses.

When she finally arrived at Gryffindor tower most of her fellow students had already gone to bed and James was nowhere to be seen.

Postponing her talk to the first opportunity she would get in the morning, Lily climbed up the stairs to her dorm and plopped down on her four-poster bed in the far corner of the room. Unlucky for both of them, someone was already occupying her bed.

The tiny blonde girl nursed her bruised thigh, where Lily had placed her elbow rather hard, and contemplated Lily in silence.

Megan Jones had been Lily's best friend from the first moment they laid eyes on each other. Both girls were muggleborn and scarred to death when first coming to Hogwarts. They found themselves in the same compartment on their very first train ride and ended up sharing a hanky to wipe their tearstained faced and a bar of chocolate to calm the nerves. And when they arrived at the sorting they were convinced that everything would be much easier with a friend to share the good and bad times with.

Megan was even shorter than Lily, her short blonde curls resembled a mop and her huge blue eyes twinkled merrily behind round wire-rimmed spectacles that were supposed to give her 'a touch of dear John'.

After assessing each other for a few seconds in silence, Megan patted the cushion beside her and Lily scrambled to her side.

'Care to tell me what was going on at the feast?' and before Lily's lips could even form an 'N', Megan shook her head 'Don't you 'nothing' me Lily, I know you better than my own reflection, you were completely out of character tonight. Normally you listen to your friends, normally you can't keep silent for more than 2 minutes and you hardly ever wrinkle your nose in such an unbecoming way for more than 5 seconds!'

Lily couldn't help but smile. 'James, it's James! He's been too odd today.'

Megan let out a satisfied 'Ah!' and leaned back comfortably to listen.

And while their three other dorm mates were brushing their teeth and washing up in the bathroom, still giggling and talking like there was no tomorrow, Lily related the whole of today's events to her best friend.

'I really wanted to talk to him tonight, but when I came back from head duties he was off to bed already…' Lily trailed of and ended with a sigh.

The two girls sat in silence for a few moments until Megan said: 'Did you ever consider he might still be in love with you? Couldn't he possible be unable to handle a friendship with you? Couldn't he still want to be more than friends?'

Lily breathed an unhappy laugh 'Believe me, I thought about it, but it's not very likely. Firstly he never was "in love" with me, it was just a little crush and the challenge of chasing me around. And secondly, it has been moth since we became friends; he never acted that odd neither during the end of sixth year nor anytime during the summer. And don't you think he would be over any kind of funny feelings concerning me by now?'

'I really don't know Lily. I really don't know _him _all that well. You may be right, you may be wrong. I just think it's a possibility. He may have realised during these 8 weeks of summer, that he still has feelings for you, and seeing you this morning made him uneasy about it, about you, about the whole friendship thing. Just talk to him in the morning, if I am wrong, you hopefully can sort things quickly.' Megan got up and patted Lily on the head.

Grasping her friend's wrist Lily whispered 'And if you are right?'

'Then you have to make up your mind, and decide if you want him or not!' with that Megan closed the hangings and went of to her own bed.

Lily sat in the darkness, hugging her knees, questioning her own heart and brain 'Would I want James Potter?' The answer was simple: Yes she wanted James, she wanted him to be a constancy in her live, she wanted to share her thoughts and emotions with him, but she did not want him to be her boyfriend!


	3. Strange new developments

**Strange new developments **

Lily spent the night tossing and turning in her bed, assessing and reassessing the situation over and over again. In the early hours of dawn she finally fell into a light slumber.

After what felt like minutes she was roused again by the sound of her dorm mates, scrambling out of their own four-posters moaning and grumbling loudly – the first day of school had arrived with all its glory.

Sitting up on her bed, Lily watched the typical morning routine unfold around her. Four girls in varying states of nakedness were hurrying back and forth between the bathroom and their trunks, stealing quick glances at the mirror and each other, swapping make up items and styling tips and generally filling the room with the happy bustle of a bunch of busy girls who knew each other inside out for years.

Lily loved all of the girls dearly. Of course Megan was closest and dearest to her heart, but she knew for sure she could and would trust all the others with her live too.

Joanna Wright, chubby and cheerful, could talk almost as much and as fast as Lily herself.

Then there was tall and lean Zoe Gardner, always hunching her back a little to fit in between Lily, Joanna and the even smaller Megan.

The fifth and final girl in the dorm was Lane O'Kelly, she was completely incapable of lying and would blush crimson at the mere attempt of it.

When the other girls had left the dorm in a noisy parade, not without reprimanding Lily for lagging behind, she finally made her way through scattered towels and articles of clothing to the bathroom.

Her own reflection looked accusingly back at her. She was unusually pale and the sleepless night had left her with deep dark circles under her eyes.

In the bright light of morning her worries from last night suddenly seemed stupid.

The whole thing was definitely not worth all the fuss. Megan was wrong about James; he could not be interested in her anymore, scratch that, he _was _not interested in her anymore! They had been friends for far too long for him to still harbour any secret feelings –period!

And concerning his odd behaviour: she would simply take her usual seat next to him in Transfiguration, he would ruffle her hair and she would know everything was exactly as it should be.

Drawing little smiley faces with the foam of her toothpaste, Lily smiled absentmindedly; she had been way to fussy yesterday, he was simply stressed or tired and she had to take it personal; what a typical girl she was!

She would tell him about her worries later on and they would laugh about it, yes definitely, he would think it dead funny, would ruffle her hair a bit more and would tease her for the rest of the day because she was oh so sensitive!

Due to her reverie this morning Lily was bolting through the hallways in a very undignified and un-headgirly manner. She'd rather get a detention the very first day then risk being late to McGonagall's first lesson of the term.

Completely out of breath but surprisingly with a few seconds to spare she reached the Transfiguration classroom and put her books down on the table next to James. Panting and coughing she fell into the chair, sent a quick smile his way and, closing her eyes, let her head sink against his shoulder.

With her eyes closed she could not see the look on his face, but she could feel his muscles tense under her cheek.

Opening one eye then the other she glanced up at him trough her fringe 'Something wrong with you, James?'

He quickly shook his head and smiled at her, but even from her angle she could see that the smile never reached his eyes.

And suddenly the day seemed to lose all of its brightness.

xxx

After Transfiguration James gave her another of these new fake smiles and was off with Remus and Sirius for Muggle studies before Lily had the chance to mutter another word.

She did not see James again until lunch break.

Eager to resolve the matter once and for all she casually strolled over to where the Gryffindor male half of their year was seated.

James saw her coming and gave her a small but genuine smile. Encouraged Lily slid onto the bench next to him.

'Are you guys having a good first day so far? Isn't it crazy how much homework they gave us on the first half of the very first day? Of course with NEWTs and all at the end of the year we have to get going, but honestly… a tiny bit of time to adjust to the feeling of being back to Hogwarts for the very last time, don't you think we would deserve at least _that_…?'

She knew exactly she was rambling but she could not bring herself to ask James what was wrong.

After all, he _had_ smiled at her -right? - And a nice genuine James-smile none the less. There couldn't be to much amiss when he was smiling at her again and she would not make a fool out of herself for being a sissy about it…

xxx

In the upcoming days Lily could not help but notice that there _was_ something amiss. Kind and friendly as he could be, James somehow seemed to get more distant by the day.

But he was obviously not the only one acting weird.

The more he withdrew, the more Lily found herself thinking about him. She started to mentally tick of the occasions on which he choose to not notice her; she found herself staring at him, telepathically willing him to look up and smile at her just once and most embarrassing of all, she started to make up excuses to spend time in his close proximity, on these occasions either not speaking at all or laughing and talking way to loud.

In the end it was Lane, always brutally honest and never diplomatic, who commented on Lily's odd behaviour first. She and Megan had been waiting for Lily in the Arithmancy corridor and while the girls were quickly crossing hallway after hallway and descending the stairs down to the dungeons, she asked in an almost too casual manner 'Pray Lily, would you care to explain your rather… interesting new way of dealing with James?'

Startled Lily missed the next step and could only steady herself by slamming the back of her hand against the rough stone-wall. Sucking her sore knuckles, she peered at Lane and then at Megan, who tried to hide her amusement.

'I… don't know what you're talking about?' what was supposed to sound casual and calm came out more like a question. - Oh bugger!

'Oh come on Lily, don't you think we are smart enough to notice the sudden change in the relationship between you two? From sugar-coated cosiness to a strange game of hide and seek? Something must have happened! Just tell me who likes whom? Did you develop a fancy for him or did he resurrect his crush from fifth year?'

Lily huffed in indignation 'It's nothing to do with liking each other! It's… I don't know… complicated! _He_ is complicated! I really don't know what's gotten into him. At times he is completely normal, perfectly nice and just… _James_. And the next time I see him, he's too _busy_ to look my way, let alone talk to me. And I just don't know how to deal with him anymore. I don't know if he wants me to keep away or if I should force him to talk to me. I don't know if he is pissed at me or if he is just stressed out and all of this has nothing to do with me. I just don't know! But I know for sure there is no liking involved here!'

Lily quickened her path and stomped away.

Megan and Lane shared a look and shrugged their shoulders. If Lily did not want to talk about it, they would let it go –for now.

Taking her seat next to Lily, Megan offered a smile as peace-offering and relaxing visibly Lily smiled back.

However, her smile quickly faded as James, followed by the rest of the boys, entered the dungeon. He nodded expressionlessly at the two of them, then turned and got a seat at the far end of the room.

Lily was uncharacteristically quiet for almost all of double Potions, staring into the cauldron most of the time. Only at the very end of the lesson, when the two girls noticed they were running out of powdered porcupine quills, she came back to live.

'I'm going over to ask Remus, he always has plenty of potions supplies, I'm sure he won't mind me nicking some of his stuff.'

She fumbled with her ponytail and let her hair down. And with a last look at Megan she walked over to the four Gryffindor boys, swaying her hips like a model on the catwalk. Megan watched in amazement as Lily placed her bum on the desktop in front of James and started chatting with Remus, laughing and tossing her hair.

Lily felt utterly stupid. She was acting like a complete floozy! Normally she and her friends would have had a field day with any girl who would act that tarty. Oh bugger! She knew she was making a fool out of herself, but she just could not help it, at least this was bound to get some kind of reaction out of James.

Bugger, bugger, bugger!

Just as the lesson ended, Lily turned her head and smiled her most dazzling smile, purposely missing James by a few millimetres and causing Peter to blush violently.

Before Lily could really judge the effect her little stunt had on James, Megan stomped over, shoved Lily's book bag into her arms and marched her out of the door.

'Didn't you say you don't like James? What in the name of Merlin do you think you're playing at?' Megan hissed while still clutching Lily's arm and dragging her towards a secluded corner, where they would be able to talk without interruption.

Lily gently freed her arm and sighed tiredly 'Megan, stay out of this… I… know what I'm doing.'

'Do you really? No I don't think so! That was the most idiotic and embarrassing behaviour I've ever seen in you! I really was ashamed of you for a moment! And did you ever think about what you might be doing to James? If his behaviour has nothing to do with him being in love with you, then you are really lucky! He will just think you are attention seeking or drugged or even crazy! But _if_ he _is_ interested in you, this will get stuck in his head, and he will get his hopes up, no matter how often he tells himself this doesn't mean a thing!'

Lily could feel the guilt and shame form a tight knot in her throat. She sunk against the wall and closed her eyes. 'I know all of this; I knew it back there in potions, belief me. Don't think I wasn't aware of how much of a fool I was making out of myself. I just had the feeling I should do something…_anything_… to get a reaction out of him!'

'You could've simply talked to him!'

'I know. But that's not as easy as you think! I can't just talk to him. At the beginning I was just afraid of acting like a sissy, reading much more into this than it's worth. But the longer this mess is taking, the more we are drifting apart and I just don't feel comfortable talking about _us_ with him anymore.' Lily slid down the wall until she was seated on the floor. 'Am I making any sense?'

Much calmer now, Megan crouched down beside her 'In your own special way you are making sense. It's always like that with you. You are too proud to admit that his behaviour is affecting you, that his rejection hurts you. So instead of confronting him, you wait for him to make the first move, and if he's not doing it voluntarily, you're going to provoke him to do so.'

'I'm a horrible person, am I not?'

'No Lily, you are just getting rather insecure about rejections when you really like someone. And in this special case I have the distinct feeling, that you yourself do not know how much you like James Potter. And so you do what you always do when you like a boy: you run from him'

Megan pushed herself up and left Lily sitting at the wall, lost in thoughts.

xxx

After dinner Lily cornered James in the common room. She did it as much to make up for her potions escapade as to proof Megan wrong - she was _not_ running from James Potter!

Twirling her fingers nervously in her lap, she hardly dared to look at him.

'James I wanted to talk to you for quite some time now. Are you… I mean, you and I… is there something wrong? Did I do something to offend you?'

'Wrong? No, nothing's wrong! What do you mean wrong?'

Was it just her or did he sound the tiniest bit alarmed?

'You've been avoiding me for these past days. And you never talk to me at all. You…'

'That's not true! We are talking! I'm just too busy at the moment to constantly be at your side. You try being head boy and quidditch captain at once!'

'You don't need to be defensive James! I was not accusing you of anything. I just need to know if there is something going wrong between you and me. If _I_ did something wrong. Your friendship means so much to me, and I don't want to risk it because I did something to upset you!'

'You did not upset me, everything is fine! And if it makes you feel better, I will smile at you whenever I see you. Don't worry. This…_friendship_… means a lot to me too.'

With that he got up and walked towards the boys staircase, Turning at the first step and smiling at her.

Somehow it did not make Lily feel any better.


End file.
